The past three weeks of my life have been quite painful... both physically and mentally. About mid-October, we were shocked (but excited) to learn that I was pregnant. We had previously decided we were not going to try to have anymore children, as we agreed it was too much of a mental struggle after what we have been through. This though... this was a surprise. There was no trying to get pregnant... no charting, no clomid, no stress.... I just was. And it was terrifying and exciting. I knew it would be difficult to afford another child, but I wasn't letting myself think about that yet... I, of all people, know that it is a loooong road from two pink lines to bringing a baby home. I decided just to let myself be excited. I even started a secret pinterest board of baby nurseries and bottle types and how to prepare your child for another baby at home. Was I getting ahead of myself? yes. Did it make me happy? yes. Such is the life of a type-A person such as myself.
Due to some odd events early in the pregnancy, I had a very early ultrasound and bloodwork. Then more bloodwork. Things came back.... weird. More ultrasounds.... more bloodwork.
No baby.
After about 2 and a half weeks of tests and hoping and worrying, it was decided I was probably experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. After experiencing some consistent pain, I ended up in the ER early last week and was treated with a drug to "dissolve" the pregnancy. While I am thankful I was able to avoid surgery, this drug is not without its own host of fun side effects... the likes of which I am still dealing with.
As I sat in my hospital room after getting the shots, I actually laughed out loud in my frustration and said to my mom, "can you believe this has happened to me? After everything else... this is how the universe gets its last laugh at me??" I have lost ANOTHER chance for a baby. This pregnancy made FIVE. They ask you at the hospital "number of pregnancies? number of living children?" FIVE and ONE. Right now I think I am still in disbelief that I have yet again become a statistic. This happens in 1 in 50 pregnancies... so I guess that's more likely than the 1 in 7500 I had for Owen's CDH. Too bad those odds don't work for me in playing the lotto. I am in a state of anger right now I think. After everything I went through to get to this place of being OK with my new life... to being a mother to Aden and a mother to Owen's memory, how could life do this to me?
So here I am now. Suffering yet another loss. Another baby I won't get to know, or read to, or buy Christmas presents for. Aden will still grow up alone. And there's not a damned thing I can do about it. So instead, I hug Aden tighter, snuggle him more, and pour all of the love that I have into being his mom.
I debated about writing this... feeling like no one wants to know this. But if I can't break the silence, after all of the work I have done to bring awareness to child loss, then I am not being who I am. I am not asking for anyone's sympathy, I know I'm going to be OK. I am asking for your awareness to the fact that this happens... a lot. To a lot of women. Pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility, still birth... they are all heart-shattering. So if you're lucky enough to have your children at home with you and healthy, give them an extra kiss tonight for this baby that would have been so so so loved in our family. <3 br="">
