Baby has a great heartbeat... 171 to be exact :) So many more hurdles to clear before we get to bring a baby home... but it feels better to have one behind us. We know that Owen was with us today and was getting excited about being a big brother. Thanks for the support and the prayers.
<3 <3 <3
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Panic
My ultrasound is tomorrow. Can't breathe. My entire body hurts because all of my muscles are in knots, and I don't know what to do. I keep trying to breathe in and out... Ugh, I just want there to be a heartbeat, I just can't stop thinking the worst. I love this baby so much I just want to know she's ok. Pray, cross your fingers, knock on wood, something for me and baby tomorrow.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Approaching
It amazes me that I am approaching Owen's first birthday, and first angelversary. For some reason I have been talking about it a lot in the past week and it just seems so surreal. I feel like there is nothing I can do that is good enough for him. I know so many amazing mothers doing amazing things in their child's memory, and I really want to do that too. My goal for this year was just to survive. I really didn't think of much beyond that. Every month I decorate Owen's grave for the upcoming holiday, and I started making his garden area in the back yard, and that is it. It kind of makes me feel ashamed of myself. There are things that I want to do... I want to have a blood drive in his honor... I want to help other parents who have lost their children. I just haven't gotten there yet. So I am setting the goal today, that by his birthday next year, I will have made one of these things a reality.
Thinking about his first birthday makes me cry... a lot. I don't want to buy a cake he can't have. I don't want to buy balloons to release to Heaven instead of for him to play with. It kills me that I don't know what he would look like now. I only have 6 day old Owen. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced... to feel like I don't know my son... who he is, where he is, what he looks like. His little personality would be coming out and I am missing all of it. It is so cruel to know that he is growing up somewhere that I can't be. I would do anything if I could just see him and tell him that I love him.
My heart is in Heaven with you tonight. I love you.
Thinking about his first birthday makes me cry... a lot. I don't want to buy a cake he can't have. I don't want to buy balloons to release to Heaven instead of for him to play with. It kills me that I don't know what he would look like now. I only have 6 day old Owen. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced... to feel like I don't know my son... who he is, where he is, what he looks like. His little personality would be coming out and I am missing all of it. It is so cruel to know that he is growing up somewhere that I can't be. I would do anything if I could just see him and tell him that I love him.
My heart is in Heaven with you tonight. I love you.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Short Term vs. Long Term
Well, I am on my way to 6 weeks. This is not very far along in the scheme of things, but it is further than I got with my first two pregnancies, and... so far, so good. I have my nightly cocktail of progesterone and aspirin and vitamins and just keep on keepin on. I have found that I feel very differently than I thought I would. If I think about things in the short term (i.e. my first ultra sound, doctor's appointments, etc) I freak out. I don't want to go to the ultrasound. I want someone else to go for me, and let me know how it turns out. I don't want to sit in the waiting room worrying that they aren't going to be able to find a heartbeat. It's overwhelming. I keep asking Owen to please watch over his sibling.
If I think about things in the long term (i.e. after the baby is born, decorating a nursery, going to the park, having sleepovers, etc etc) I am good. Those things make me happy, and they no longer feel like "jinxing" anything. The long term thoughts are the ones that keep my heart rate down where it belongs. I just keep telling myself that despite my experiences, most people have healthy children. Having your child die is NOT the norm, even though it feels like it. I know there are a million things that could go wrong, and sometimes it seems amazing that any child makes it into this world... but I just can't think about it. I keep telling this baby that she (yes, I've decided it's a girl, and won't change my mind unless I see that "It's a Boy" ultrasound) is going to be perfect and beautiful and healthy.
I won't find out my official due date until my ultrasound on April 19th, but it will be sometime around December 2nd. It seems very far away right now... but when I think about how inhumanly fast the past year has gone, I know that it will be here soon enough. I try to keep my thoughts in December... thinking about my healthy baby and how happy Owen will be to be a big brother. It hurts me to know that this child will grow up not knowing him... but I know we will insure that he is always always always part of our family.... everyday. I am walking the path of missing him and being hopeful for this new baby.
If I think about things in the long term (i.e. after the baby is born, decorating a nursery, going to the park, having sleepovers, etc etc) I am good. Those things make me happy, and they no longer feel like "jinxing" anything. The long term thoughts are the ones that keep my heart rate down where it belongs. I just keep telling myself that despite my experiences, most people have healthy children. Having your child die is NOT the norm, even though it feels like it. I know there are a million things that could go wrong, and sometimes it seems amazing that any child makes it into this world... but I just can't think about it. I keep telling this baby that she (yes, I've decided it's a girl, and won't change my mind unless I see that "It's a Boy" ultrasound) is going to be perfect and beautiful and healthy.
I won't find out my official due date until my ultrasound on April 19th, but it will be sometime around December 2nd. It seems very far away right now... but when I think about how inhumanly fast the past year has gone, I know that it will be here soon enough. I try to keep my thoughts in December... thinking about my healthy baby and how happy Owen will be to be a big brother. It hurts me to know that this child will grow up not knowing him... but I know we will insure that he is always always always part of our family.... everyday. I am walking the path of missing him and being hopeful for this new baby.
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