I am a loud crier. I am not one to have silent tears roll down my face. I will hyperventilate. Maybe this is because I usually don't cry unless I am already at the breaking point and have just been holding it in. I am never surprised to find myself crying. That being said, me being a loud crier does not mean that I want attention called to my sadness.
I hate HATE HATE crying in front of other people. Mostly because they feel compelled to try and make me feel better. This is admirable and kind and compassionate, and I get that. But I am not crying for a reason that is fixable. Hearing that he is "in a better place" or that "he is still with you" or "you'll see him again someday," does not make me feel better. He is not in a better place... the best place for him is with me in my arms. He is not still with me... I cannot see him or hear him or touch him, so this does not make anything better. And yes, I do hope that I'll see him again someday... but not in the way that I want to see him...not as a mommy to a little baby who gets to grow up who I can take care of and raise. I am not trying to be mean or harsh, because believe me when I say I greatly appreciate anyone who has cried with me. Those people are few. I just want people to know that they don't have to try and fix it. I'll stop crying eventually.
I also don't want people to feel like they "make" me cry when they speak Owen's name. His name is the most beautiful thing someone can say to me. I always know that he should be with me and he is not. You are not reminding me of something painful. The pain is there every second of every day. It does not waver. But the love is there too. I do not forget that I love him either. The absence of him makes me more acutely aware of the intensity of that love... because I have no little heart to place the love inside. It just stays inside of me. And yes, it makes me cry.
I will ask.... please do not forget that I am a mother too. I understand that people might think it odd to ask me about my pregnancy or about breast pumps or things like this. But the fact is, I have been there too. I have the stretch marks and the cellulite to prove it. It still happened regardless of the outcome. It hurts more to be excluded from these conversations than included and to remember him. I know I'm not like other mothers, but I still am one. Please let me know that you haven't forgotten, or that you still think about Owen. That is what can get me through a day, is knowing that I am not alone in remembering him.
I have realized that there are going to be times that I am going to cry in public.... so if I happen to be with you... know that it's ok because I have to remember him, and right now that's the only way I can do it.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
On Your 5 Month Angelversary
"You'll Be In My Heart"
Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more
Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always
Come stop your crying
It will be all right
Just take my hand Hold it tight
I will protect you
from all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry
For one so small,
you seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always
Why can't they understand
the way we feel
They just don't trust
what they can't explain
I know we're different but,
deep inside us
We're not that different at all
And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more
Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know
We need each other,
to have, to hold
They'll see in time
I know
When destiny calls you
You must be strong
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together
'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on,
Now and forever more
Oh, you'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be in my heart, always
Always
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Stuck
I am stuck. I don't know how to move from this point. It seems like if I take a step forward, I just end up going backwards, so what does it matter? I have tried throwing myself into work- I'm over it. I have tried being really motivated and working out and doing projects around the house... and I'm over that too. It's too exhausting. I feel like I should be doing something altruistic... like organizing something for charity or I don't know. I just can't stay focused on something. It's like I'm trying so hard to just move that I don't know where I'm trying to go. I would really rather go back... I want Owen safe in my tummy... I want to go back before we found out something was wrong, when I really believed I might get to be a mother. When I was still hopeful that he was going to be just fine.
Where do I go from here. I have tried thinking about the adoption... I have tried thinking about having a rainbow baby. I have even been so proactive as to go and have a massive amount of blood work done to see if that is even a possibility. (No results yet). But what do I do when I get the results back? Or when we hear from the state about our adoption certification? What.do.I.do? I don't know. Do I have the strength to go through the adoption process.... do I have the mental capacity to ever carry another baby inside of me? How can it not break my heart? I feel like I don't even know if I have any heart left. It is in Heaven with my boy.
I want so badly to have a child... to get to be the mother I know I am. I KNOW I can do a good job. It just feels like maybe this awful horribleness has taken that chance away from me. On one hand, like I said, I worry about what I will do if I can adopt or have another baby. But what the fuck am I supposed to do if I can't? What do I do if they deny the adoption certificate... or what if we don't have enough money to go through with the adoption??? What do I do if my blood work comes back and it turns out it is very risky to have another baby?? Thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Thinking about having to think about it makes me want to throw up. Where is my baby? My perfect perfect Owen. Why isn't he here to make this hole in my heart go away? There aren't enough tears in this world to make the pain go away.
I am stuck, I have no where to go. I have to stay here in the worst place I can think of until I figure it out I guess.
Where do I go from here. I have tried thinking about the adoption... I have tried thinking about having a rainbow baby. I have even been so proactive as to go and have a massive amount of blood work done to see if that is even a possibility. (No results yet). But what do I do when I get the results back? Or when we hear from the state about our adoption certification? What.do.I.do? I don't know. Do I have the strength to go through the adoption process.... do I have the mental capacity to ever carry another baby inside of me? How can it not break my heart? I feel like I don't even know if I have any heart left. It is in Heaven with my boy.
I want so badly to have a child... to get to be the mother I know I am. I KNOW I can do a good job. It just feels like maybe this awful horribleness has taken that chance away from me. On one hand, like I said, I worry about what I will do if I can adopt or have another baby. But what the fuck am I supposed to do if I can't? What do I do if they deny the adoption certificate... or what if we don't have enough money to go through with the adoption??? What do I do if my blood work comes back and it turns out it is very risky to have another baby?? Thinking about it makes me want to throw up. Thinking about having to think about it makes me want to throw up. Where is my baby? My perfect perfect Owen. Why isn't he here to make this hole in my heart go away? There aren't enough tears in this world to make the pain go away.
I am stuck, I have no where to go. I have to stay here in the worst place I can think of until I figure it out I guess.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Getting off the island
Would it strike anyone as insane if I said that it surprised me to realize I was depressed?
I did not come to this conclusion because I cry everyday, or because my heart hurts every time someone talks about a baby or pregnancy, or because I can't remember anything. I attribute all of these things to being sad. I am SO SAD. I can't even breathe sometimes I am so freaking sad. And I'm allowed to be... I'm supposed to be. I have to have this sadness because I have Owen in my heart, and that's the only place I have him. Sometimes when my husband looks at me a certain way, tears spring to my eyes because I can SEE Owen's face... how he would have looked growing up... how he would have looked as a young man. I can see all of this in my husband's face. Is that wonderful or is that completely f*d up? These things make me sad beyond description- but it's ok with me to feel this way.
But depressed... I don't know... I guess I saw depressed as something else. I saw depressed as more of an unwillingness to feel... being a shell of a person, that type of thing. I feel every day. I work on grieving because I know if I push it aside or try and "just keep busy" all of the time, it will make it worse. But despite my painstaking efforts, it has happened anyway. I didn't realize it until I had a week off of work last week. I am so used to going to work, coming home, doing chores, etc, that I honestly didn't notice. And then I had free time. I had a list... as I do every break from school, of things to finish before I went back to school. Typically I get half of this list done in the first day. This week- I did nothing. I would get up and tell myself... today I am going to do x, y, and z. And then I just didn't. I didn't leave the house- with the exception of visiting my mom, which in my mind doesn't count. I can't even explain why I didn't leave... I just couldn't. I have become a hermit. I didn't call friends, I didn't do much of anything. It took me until Friday morning to realize what this was... this was depression and it had sneaked up on me.
If you have lost a child, then I imagine you are familiar with "the bubble". The bubble is your group of family or friends who know what you are going through and they know how to act towards you. They aren't afraid to speak your child's name... they cry with you when you need it... they laugh with you when you need that too. You understand that your child was a part of their life too, even though not in the way he was in yours. You do not have to offer explanations for your moods, you don't have to explain anything in this bubble.
I lived in that bubble all summer long. And then I went back to work and it was hard because I was out of it.... but I was so busy with my "very important tasks" that I didn't realize I had gotten lost somewhere between intense grieving and whatever tattered shreds there are left of my "normal". It is the island of depression.. and it is now my job to figure out how to get off of the island.
I did not come to this conclusion because I cry everyday, or because my heart hurts every time someone talks about a baby or pregnancy, or because I can't remember anything. I attribute all of these things to being sad. I am SO SAD. I can't even breathe sometimes I am so freaking sad. And I'm allowed to be... I'm supposed to be. I have to have this sadness because I have Owen in my heart, and that's the only place I have him. Sometimes when my husband looks at me a certain way, tears spring to my eyes because I can SEE Owen's face... how he would have looked growing up... how he would have looked as a young man. I can see all of this in my husband's face. Is that wonderful or is that completely f*d up? These things make me sad beyond description- but it's ok with me to feel this way.
But depressed... I don't know... I guess I saw depressed as something else. I saw depressed as more of an unwillingness to feel... being a shell of a person, that type of thing. I feel every day. I work on grieving because I know if I push it aside or try and "just keep busy" all of the time, it will make it worse. But despite my painstaking efforts, it has happened anyway. I didn't realize it until I had a week off of work last week. I am so used to going to work, coming home, doing chores, etc, that I honestly didn't notice. And then I had free time. I had a list... as I do every break from school, of things to finish before I went back to school. Typically I get half of this list done in the first day. This week- I did nothing. I would get up and tell myself... today I am going to do x, y, and z. And then I just didn't. I didn't leave the house- with the exception of visiting my mom, which in my mind doesn't count. I can't even explain why I didn't leave... I just couldn't. I have become a hermit. I didn't call friends, I didn't do much of anything. It took me until Friday morning to realize what this was... this was depression and it had sneaked up on me.
If you have lost a child, then I imagine you are familiar with "the bubble". The bubble is your group of family or friends who know what you are going through and they know how to act towards you. They aren't afraid to speak your child's name... they cry with you when you need it... they laugh with you when you need that too. You understand that your child was a part of their life too, even though not in the way he was in yours. You do not have to offer explanations for your moods, you don't have to explain anything in this bubble.
I lived in that bubble all summer long. And then I went back to work and it was hard because I was out of it.... but I was so busy with my "very important tasks" that I didn't realize I had gotten lost somewhere between intense grieving and whatever tattered shreds there are left of my "normal". It is the island of depression.. and it is now my job to figure out how to get off of the island.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Just keep swimming
Hrm. This break from work has been interesting. It was needed.... I needed to just be able to get my thoughts together again. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would- although the week is only half way done. I think I cried the usual amount for me. Not sure that this has to mean anything, just an observation.
I have found a bunch of feathers this week. Inside, outside... feathers everywhere. Outside didn't strike me as strange... but feathers inside? Weird. So I thanked Owen for my gift and put them with my pennies.
I had bloodwork done this week. A lot of bloodwork actually. Owen's neonatologist recommended some blood tests due to some clotting issues Owen had. Also, before I got pregnant with Owen, I had a whole range of tests done to try and figure out why I was having miscarriages. One test came back in the slightly abnormal range- I don't even remember what the test was for. They told me to have the test re-done, but I didn't, and it took a year and a half and a round of Clomid before I got pregnant with Owen I still wonder why I didn't have that test re-done then, but who knows. they put me on progesterone when I got pregnant for the first 12 weeks to try and keep the pregnancy. Well, I kept the pregnancy... but why did that work? Lucas and I have talked a lot about how we would want things to go if I ever got pregnant again. I feel like doctors just give you things. They never tested my progesterone levels... so why was I given that hormone? I am grateful that I got to carry Owen and hold him in my arms, but it makes me wonder if I did something wrong in taking what the doctors gave me.
I know that many women take Clomid... I know many use progesterone... I know all pregnant women are recommended flu shots, but if there is ever a next time around- I don't want any of it. I am getting the blood work done to see if there is an actual fixable problem, which if there is, I am willing to do what it takes to fix it. I do not want to be given "maybe try this" answers and just put things into my body that maybe shouldn't be there. I don't know how I'll feel if they tell me there is a fixable problem that I probably should have known about before Owen. I think my only choice is to just keep swimming, because I can't go back. No matter how hard that is to accept, I have to know that I did the best that I could and we made the right decisions with the information we were given.
While I don't know that I'm ready to try for a rainbow baby... I need to know if it's even a possibility and if I need to put all of my eggs in the adoption basket (which is a weird metaphor, but whatever) and never look back, or if there is that option for the future. We'll see.
I have found a bunch of feathers this week. Inside, outside... feathers everywhere. Outside didn't strike me as strange... but feathers inside? Weird. So I thanked Owen for my gift and put them with my pennies.
I had bloodwork done this week. A lot of bloodwork actually. Owen's neonatologist recommended some blood tests due to some clotting issues Owen had. Also, before I got pregnant with Owen, I had a whole range of tests done to try and figure out why I was having miscarriages. One test came back in the slightly abnormal range- I don't even remember what the test was for. They told me to have the test re-done, but I didn't, and it took a year and a half and a round of Clomid before I got pregnant with Owen I still wonder why I didn't have that test re-done then, but who knows. they put me on progesterone when I got pregnant for the first 12 weeks to try and keep the pregnancy. Well, I kept the pregnancy... but why did that work? Lucas and I have talked a lot about how we would want things to go if I ever got pregnant again. I feel like doctors just give you things. They never tested my progesterone levels... so why was I given that hormone? I am grateful that I got to carry Owen and hold him in my arms, but it makes me wonder if I did something wrong in taking what the doctors gave me.
I know that many women take Clomid... I know many use progesterone... I know all pregnant women are recommended flu shots, but if there is ever a next time around- I don't want any of it. I am getting the blood work done to see if there is an actual fixable problem, which if there is, I am willing to do what it takes to fix it. I do not want to be given "maybe try this" answers and just put things into my body that maybe shouldn't be there. I don't know how I'll feel if they tell me there is a fixable problem that I probably should have known about before Owen. I think my only choice is to just keep swimming, because I can't go back. No matter how hard that is to accept, I have to know that I did the best that I could and we made the right decisions with the information we were given.
While I don't know that I'm ready to try for a rainbow baby... I need to know if it's even a possibility and if I need to put all of my eggs in the adoption basket (which is a weird metaphor, but whatever) and never look back, or if there is that option for the future. We'll see.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Stolen
"How are you doing?"
"I'm alright"...."I'm fine"..."Doing OK"...
And if you'll buy that, I've got some other shit to sell you.
It is just amazing to me that things can not only stay bad... but more bad things keep coming. I truly do not have any hopes for our adoption certification coming through right now. I almost feel like... why would anything good even happen? It's like the universe is determined that my life is to be a shit hole until I die. I am NOT in a positive place and I do NOT feel any hope for the future. It feels like every time I think maybe I've made some progress, something else sneaks up from behind and knocks me over. I am so tired of trying to stand up. I think I have 50 dollars in my bank account right now, and I just got paid on Thursday. Where does it all go? There are a few other storm clouds in the works that I don't even want to write about because it's just too much. Let's just keep adding to the pile. Last year at this time, I had just about everything I ever wanted. I had a great husband... a wonderful home, we could pay all of our bills, and I had just had my 8 week ultrasound and heard my baby's heartbeat. Oh how time can change things.
I still have a great husband... but we are both heartbroken and lost. Our house feels so empty and large with a room that was meant for Owen that he never got to come home to.... I have taken a pay cut and we are barely scraping by on our bills... and I have no idea if we will ever have a child. HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED?!!!!!! I am so fucking angry and I have no where to put that anger. It literally feels like the world is on my shoulders. I catch glimpses of myself in windows or mirrors and I look like a hunchback. I am trying to stand up straighter and look more confident, but I always revert back. I got a haircut a few weeks ago... and someone said to me "Oh my gosh! You look so much younger!!" Now, this is a welcome comment for most people, so don't think that I took it as an insult... but I am only 26 years old. And that made me wonder... how old do I normally look?
I feel like my life has been stolen from me and I can't get it back.
"I'm alright"...."I'm fine"..."Doing OK"...
And if you'll buy that, I've got some other shit to sell you.
It is just amazing to me that things can not only stay bad... but more bad things keep coming. I truly do not have any hopes for our adoption certification coming through right now. I almost feel like... why would anything good even happen? It's like the universe is determined that my life is to be a shit hole until I die. I am NOT in a positive place and I do NOT feel any hope for the future. It feels like every time I think maybe I've made some progress, something else sneaks up from behind and knocks me over. I am so tired of trying to stand up. I think I have 50 dollars in my bank account right now, and I just got paid on Thursday. Where does it all go? There are a few other storm clouds in the works that I don't even want to write about because it's just too much. Let's just keep adding to the pile. Last year at this time, I had just about everything I ever wanted. I had a great husband... a wonderful home, we could pay all of our bills, and I had just had my 8 week ultrasound and heard my baby's heartbeat. Oh how time can change things.
I still have a great husband... but we are both heartbroken and lost. Our house feels so empty and large with a room that was meant for Owen that he never got to come home to.... I have taken a pay cut and we are barely scraping by on our bills... and I have no idea if we will ever have a child. HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED?!!!!!! I am so fucking angry and I have no where to put that anger. It literally feels like the world is on my shoulders. I catch glimpses of myself in windows or mirrors and I look like a hunchback. I am trying to stand up straighter and look more confident, but I always revert back. I got a haircut a few weeks ago... and someone said to me "Oh my gosh! You look so much younger!!" Now, this is a welcome comment for most people, so don't think that I took it as an insult... but I am only 26 years old. And that made me wonder... how old do I normally look?
I feel like my life has been stolen from me and I can't get it back.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Shadow Me
Recently someone asked me what was wrong... and I kind of didn't know what to say. I guess I feel like it's obvious what is wrong. My son is dead. Is that ever going to be ok? I don't know, I feel like I don't need to offer up any other reason for being in a bad mood or being sad. Life is sad, I am sad. I am sad when people talk about their kids because I don't get to be a mom. It is really fucking painful, I can't change that. It is like being stabbed in the heart every time I think about it... I don't get to be a mom. The closest I get is to talk out loud in an empty room and pray to God that my son can hear me. That's it. I don't know how to deal with that being it. I know all of the standard answers of why I'm supposed to feel better- He's in a better place... he can hear me when I talk to him... I'll see him again someday. Right now, that doesn't make the pain any better. I hurt all of the time and that is all I can see and feel right now. I try really hard to be upbeat and 'normal' most of the time... but sometimes my heart gets the best of me and I just can't take it.
I feel like there are two "me"s. There is the real me and the shadow me. The shadow me looks like me and talks like me and acts like me. The shadow me goes to work and does my job and is doing a really great job in my place. The real me is sitting at home staring into space wondering how my life got this way. The real me is so broken that I can't wrap my mind around anything. The only way I get along in my daily life is to write everything down. If I don't, I literally forget it 30 seconds later-because I.don't.care. I want to care. I'm trying really hard to care. I want to recreate the scene from Peter Pan where Wendy sews Peter's shadow back onto him. Then I could be one person again. I just feel like right now those two people aren't compatible. I can't go to work and function being the real me, and I can't be the shadow me when I'm alone. Someday I hope I'll get sewn back together.
I feel like there are two "me"s. There is the real me and the shadow me. The shadow me looks like me and talks like me and acts like me. The shadow me goes to work and does my job and is doing a really great job in my place. The real me is sitting at home staring into space wondering how my life got this way. The real me is so broken that I can't wrap my mind around anything. The only way I get along in my daily life is to write everything down. If I don't, I literally forget it 30 seconds later-because I.don't.care. I want to care. I'm trying really hard to care. I want to recreate the scene from Peter Pan where Wendy sews Peter's shadow back onto him. Then I could be one person again. I just feel like right now those two people aren't compatible. I can't go to work and function being the real me, and I can't be the shadow me when I'm alone. Someday I hope I'll get sewn back together.
Friday, October 1, 2010
More Crazy Things
I have had one more experience like the one I described in my last post... and it makes me feel- well, indescribable :/ I want to know that's he's around, but more than anything I want him to actually BE HERE. WITH ME. RIGHT NOW. argh
Anyhow, weird things happened this morning. If you have read any of my previous posts, you will know that I have this mental image stuck in my brain of Owen as a fox for Halloween. It is a beautiful image but it breaks my heart.
Today, a little girl in my class walks up to me and says "Mrs. Tomczyk, I wrote a book last night and I want to show it to you". I said "Ok, sure". This book is called "Little Fox". And it is all about a baby fox and she tells how this fox is just like a person... he gets put to bed every night by his parents... sometimes he gets in trouble... he gets happy and sad and angry just like a person... and then he eventually grows up and has a family of his own.
I almost had to leave the room after looking at this little girl's book because it blew me away that she was showing this to me. We are not studying foxes, nor have we talked about foxes in class. I really feel strongly that I was shown this story for a reason, and that my little fox is happy and growing up wherever he is. It breaks my heart into a million pieces that I can't be with him, but I am grateful for the signs.
Thank you sweet baby.
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