Just keep swimming

Hrm. This break from work has been interesting. It was needed.... I needed to just be able to get my thoughts together again. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would- although the week is only half way done. I think I cried the usual amount for me. Not sure that this has to mean anything, just an observation.

I have found a bunch of feathers this week. Inside, outside... feathers everywhere. Outside didn't strike me as strange... but feathers inside? Weird. So I thanked Owen for my gift and put them with my pennies.

I had bloodwork done this week. A lot of bloodwork actually. Owen's neonatologist recommended some blood tests due to some clotting issues Owen had. Also, before I got pregnant with Owen, I had a whole range of tests done to try and figure out why I was having miscarriages. One test came back in the slightly abnormal range- I don't even remember what the test was for. They told me to have the test re-done, but I didn't, and it took a year and a half and a round of Clomid before I got pregnant with Owen I still wonder why I didn't have that test re-done then, but who knows. they put me on progesterone when I got pregnant for the first 12 weeks to try and keep the pregnancy. Well, I kept the pregnancy... but why did that work? Lucas and I have talked a lot about how we would want things to go if I ever got pregnant again. I feel like doctors just give you things. They never tested my progesterone levels... so why was I given that hormone? I am grateful that I got to carry Owen and hold him in my arms, but it makes me wonder if I did something wrong in taking what the doctors gave me.

I know that many women take Clomid... I know many use progesterone... I know all pregnant women are recommended flu shots, but if there is ever a next time around- I don't want any of it. I am getting the blood work done to see if there is an actual fixable problem, which if there is, I am willing to do what it takes to fix it. I do not want to be given "maybe try this" answers and just put things into my body that maybe shouldn't be there. I don't know how I'll feel if they tell me there is a fixable problem that I probably should have known about before Owen. I think my only choice is to just keep swimming, because I can't go back. No matter how hard that is to accept, I have to know that I did the best that I could and we made the right decisions with the information we were given.

While I don't know that I'm ready to try for a rainbow baby... I need to know if it's even a possibility and if I need to put all of my eggs in the adoption basket (which is a weird metaphor, but whatever) and never look back, or if there is that option for the future. We'll see.