Stolen

"How are you doing?"

"I'm alright"...."I'm fine"..."Doing OK"...

And if you'll buy that, I've got some other shit to sell you.

It is just amazing to me that things can not only stay bad... but more bad things keep coming. I truly do not have any hopes for our adoption certification coming through right now. I almost feel like... why would anything good even happen? It's like the universe is determined that my life is to be a shit hole until I die. I am NOT in a positive place and I do NOT feel any hope for the future. It feels like every time I think maybe I've made some progress, something else sneaks up from behind and knocks me over. I am so tired of trying to stand up. I think I have 50 dollars in my bank account right now, and I just got paid on Thursday. Where does it all go? There are a few other storm clouds in the works that I don't even want to write about because it's just too much. Let's just keep adding to the pile. Last year at this time, I had just about everything I ever wanted. I had a great husband... a wonderful home, we could pay all of our bills, and I had just had my 8 week ultrasound and heard my baby's heartbeat. Oh how time can change things.

I still have a great husband... but we are both heartbroken and lost. Our house feels so empty and large with a room that was meant for Owen that he never got to come home to.... I have taken a pay cut and we are barely scraping by on our bills... and I have no idea if we will ever have a child. HOW HAS THIS HAPPENED?!!!!!! I am so fucking angry and I have no where to put that anger. It literally feels like the world is on my shoulders. I catch glimpses of myself in windows or mirrors and I look like a hunchback. I am trying to stand up straighter and look more confident, but I always revert back. I got a haircut a few weeks ago... and someone said to me "Oh my gosh! You look so much younger!!" Now, this is a welcome comment for most people, so don't think that I took it as an insult... but I am only 26 years old. And that made me wonder... how old do I normally look?

I feel like my life has been stolen from me and I can't get it back.