Well, I am on my way to 6 weeks. This is not very far along in the scheme of things, but it is further than I got with my first two pregnancies, and... so far, so good. I have my nightly cocktail of progesterone and aspirin and vitamins and just keep on keepin on. I have found that I feel very differently than I thought I would. If I think about things in the short term (i.e. my first ultra sound, doctor's appointments, etc) I freak out. I don't want to go to the ultrasound. I want someone else to go for me, and let me know how it turns out. I don't want to sit in the waiting room worrying that they aren't going to be able to find a heartbeat. It's overwhelming. I keep asking Owen to please watch over his sibling.
If I think about things in the long term (i.e. after the baby is born, decorating a nursery, going to the park, having sleepovers, etc etc) I am good. Those things make me happy, and they no longer feel like "jinxing" anything. The long term thoughts are the ones that keep my heart rate down where it belongs. I just keep telling myself that despite my experiences, most people have healthy children. Having your child die is NOT the norm, even though it feels like it. I know there are a million things that could go wrong, and sometimes it seems amazing that any child makes it into this world... but I just can't think about it. I keep telling this baby that she (yes, I've decided it's a girl, and won't change my mind unless I see that "It's a Boy" ultrasound) is going to be perfect and beautiful and healthy.
I won't find out my official due date until my ultrasound on April 19th, but it will be sometime around December 2nd. It seems very far away right now... but when I think about how inhumanly fast the past year has gone, I know that it will be here soon enough. I try to keep my thoughts in December... thinking about my healthy baby and how happy Owen will be to be a big brother. It hurts me to know that this child will grow up not knowing him... but I know we will insure that he is always always always part of our family.... everyday. I am walking the path of missing him and being hopeful for this new baby.
I can't wait for this baby to show you who she is and how/who Owen may have been. Surely she will bring you even closer to him. The strength you've had throughout Owen's journey continues to grow, and is displayed through how positive and hopeful you are about this pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteYour second paragraph makes sense to me, even though I have not experienced the loss of a baby. Thinking ahead to the future is easier than the next step. Here's to all those next steps getting us and the babies where we need to be. :)