Slam Poem

 I assigned an extra credit project to my students to write and perform a "slam poem" this week.  I have asked them to "dig deeper" and pull out emotions and feelings and to lay it all out there.  I decided I could not ask this of them unless I could do it myself, so below is my own slam poem.  Please know that this is not directed toward anyone in particular (especially not anyone who reads my blog!) just things I've felt all put together. 

Don't Talk To Me

Don't talk to me about miracles
Don't tell me to hope, to think positively.
You haven't been where I've been
You haven't walked where I've walked
Where the entire world comes crashing down on top of you
And you can't see, and you can't breathe
All you can do is hurt and wonder if it will ever get easier
Don't talk to me about better places and things happening for a reason
Your words can't touch the place in my soul where this pain lives
Don't talk to me about moving on, or moving forward, or moving at all
Maybe you should move, and get out of my way
And stop trying to keep me from being the person I am now
I can't go back to being the one you knew before
If that's what you are waiting for
then you should probably go
Don't talk to me about how you "know how I feel"
because of your mom, your dad, your cat, your friend
You don't
You won't
You can't
And I don't want you to.
Don't talk to me about how strong I am
Maybe you could explain
What other choice I had?
From what I remember I did as much as I could
and strength had nothing to do with it.
Don't talk to me about counting my blessings
Go count your own
and trust that I know what I have and what I'm missing
If you think you have a way to make me feel better
to fix me
to make me happy
Then please don't talk to me.

Dear Owen

My sweet boy,

I miss you.  There are not a lot of things to say that I haven't said before, and just that fact makes me sad.  I am sad that I don't have any new memories of you to talk about.  I found an ultrasound picture of you the other day that I had forgotten about and it made my heart happy.  That feeling of seeing something of yours for the first time isn't one that I have often.  I miss your sweet face and your little hands.  I miss things I don't know that I miss.  It hurts me every time someone asks me if your brother will be my first child.  I always say no.  You are always my first child, I need you to know that.  Sometimes, like today, I feel very badly that I haven't been to the cemetery in several weeks, and I hope that you know it's not because I don't think about you every single day.  I need you to know that you are remembered ALWAYS.  There is not an hour of my life that goes by that I don't remember you are missing.  Sometimes I worry because I don't feel you around me as often as I used to, but then I like to think that maybe you are very busy growing up where you are.  I wish I could see you as your 16 month old self playing and laughing.  I wish a lot of things.  I hope you are and will continue looking after your brother.  I promise you that he will know you, and he will know your importance in this family.  As always, I hope that you are proud of me and know that I love you always.

With all of my heart,

Mommy

For my Rainbow

A Different Child

By: Pandora MacMillian

People notice there's a special glow around you.

As you grow, surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

In your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes between the smiles,

There's a trace of tears,

One day you'll understand.

You'll understand there was once another child.

A different child who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes.

That child will never keep them up at night.

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much that different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever...

How infinitely precious.

How infinitely fragile.

Is this life on earth.

One day, as a young man or woman,

You may see another mother's tears,

another father's silent grief.

Then you, and you alone,

will understand and offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

you will tell them with great compassion,

“I know how you feel. I'm only here because my [parents] tried again.”

Shower

Aden's baby shower was this past weekend, and it was a very happy experience.  I was worried that I would be sad for the shower I missed with Owen, and I am, but the day felt lighter than I expected.  It was absolutely about joy, and that's what I wanted.  I am always amazed at the ability of others to be so caring and giving, and having the people I love come to celebrate Aden was an awesome experience.  There wasn't anything that happened that was earth shattering, it was just a nice afternoon, but to me it meant so much more.  I think because I'm always wondering if we will get to bring Aden home, it was a nice feeling to see that so many others believe we will.  I don't know how I would have survived the past year and a half without my family and my friends.  I don't think I would be here today if I was left to go it alone in dealing with my grief over Owen's death.  Today, I am thankful that those close to me do not expect me to be "over it" or believe that Aden will fix my grief.  I am thankful that those people who matter to me have allowed me to be how I need to be, and to talk about Owen when I need to talk about him, and to be silent when I need to be silent.  I know that many others have not had that same experience after the loss of their child. 

I still worry every minute that something will happen to Aden and he won't get to come home, but I do feel like I'm finally in the home stretch and he could actually be here soon.  I am so ready to bring him home I can't even stand it.  Please keep us in your thoughts, and so many thanks to those of you who came to the shower and celebrated Aden with me.  <3

Ahh!!!!!

Ok, so Aden could be here in less than 6 weeks.  I am now 31 weeks pregnant and feeling ENORMOUS.  Aden is growing up a storm and weighs over 4 pounds.  Our ultrasound last week showed that I have a normal amount of fluid (wow), that baby is transverse (laying sideways), and that he was doing some GREAT practice breathing. We scheduled my c-section for November 29th, but I am hoping he decides to come before that!  My doctor does not feel the need to do NSTs, which is kind of a relief to me because they bring up a lot of flashbacks.  I will be having 2 more ultrasounds to check his growth before he is born.  He is a very active baby and this makes me very happy. 

I am having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that in 6-9 weeks, I could possibly have a healthy baby to bring home.  I still feel like that's a long ways away, but when I think about how long we have been waiting, it doesn't seem so far.  I also think about all of the things that need to get done and it seems a whole lot shorter!!! I am so excited and so nervous and so worried.  I just want to kiss his little face!!!!!!! 

Every night I sleep with Owen's blanket over my belly in hopes that it will keep Aden safe.  I know it is silly but it makes me feel better.  I just need him to get here and to hold him.  I try to prepare myself for how that might feel, but I don't think I can.  So for now I am embracing the nesting and trying to get everything accomplished that I can.  Keep hoping for us that Aden arrives safe and sound!!!!

Sad

It's just so unfair that Owen isn't here.  He should be here.  I should be loving on him right now.  But he's not, and I hate it.  Right now feeling like the thought of bringing Aden home is a dream.  I also dreamt of bringing Owen home and it never happened.  Just sad. 

Celebrating and Remembering

I ordered this cake (well, a cupcake cake version of it) today for my baby shower.  I am in love with it.  It makes me happy.  And that's what the baby shower should be about I think.  I've been letting myself get sucked in to a tornado of stress because people can't come, or thinking that no one will show up, and wondering if I should reschedule it for the third time. 

All the while I've been having some very emotional flashbacks of when I had to cancel Owen's shower.  We had already picked out the theme, bought decorations, and sent out invitations.  Then I found out he probably wouldn't live.  I feel like I never got to celebrate his arrival into this world, because we all knew what could happen.  One person brought me a balloon and flowers after I had him.  Getting to meet Owen was still the happiest day of my life, but it was one of the most terrifying as well.  That situation did not lend itself well to celebrating.  The fact that all of our time with Owen, before and after he was born, was lived in fear makes me very sad sometimes.  We have since celebrated his life, but he isn't with us.  Part of me wishes I had just gone ahead and had that baby shower, so at least there would be some pictures and some memories that are happy, and not only the sad ones.

So today, when I ordered this cake, I just decided I don't care anymore.  I don't really care if I am the only person at my shower.  I will smile and take pictures of myself eating cake and I will just be happy that Aden is with me right now.  He is kicking and squirming in my belly as I type this and right now, that's all that matters. I am not going to let anyone else take that away from me.  So even if it's just me.. I will raise a glass (of sparkling cider) and toast to Owen's little brother, my second son, and I will be happy.