This has been an absolute roller coaster day. I almost went back to bed after the first hour of my morning... 1. It has been 7 months today that Owen is gone. It seems like sometimes I am right back there in the NICU and there's no way it could have been that long. This should have been his first Christmas, and it wasn't. It was our first Christmas as the new people we are now, and it was not anything that it should have been. 2. We applied for a home equity line of credit to do some upgrading to our house, and I found out this morning it was denied for a really lame reason. We can still do some of the upgrades, it just means taking money out of savings and that's just not something I like to do. 3. I got a reply email from our social worker yesterday saying we would probably not hear anything back on our adoption certification until sometime in January... that our file had been transferred to a different judge who only looks at adoptions once a week.
At this point I just wanted to stay in bed until January 1... 2010 had broken me.
Well, I met another BLM friend of mine for coffee (a 3 hour coffee) and felt much better after that. I went to the flooring store to order the stupid flooring anyway and the sales people were very nice. The day was going better than I anticipated.
At 5:03 pm, the social worker calls to let me know our approval came through today. Today! It was as if 2010 felt some remorse for the way it had twisted my life and taken everything from me, and it wanted to give me this one thing back. I am glad. It makes me feel like ok... this is the new standard for 2011. I need joy in my life. I need to believe that I can have a family that gets to stay. I need to believe that I can be a mother with a child on Earth. I don't care how it happens. I don't care if we adopt or have another baby or if a stork drops a baby off on my doorstep. I need to believe it can happen.
I am not disillusion. I know that having a baby will not make me less sad. But I also know that it will make me more happy. This may sound insane, but for those who have been there, it does not. My heart is broken, but the pieces still have the possibility of falling in love with another child and feeling happy... even though it will never look the way it did before. My life can't look the way it did before. For that I am glad. I don't ever want to be 100% "better"... ever. I need to carry Owen with me, and that is as painful as it is necessary. I do look forward to a time when I have moments of happiness, not just "not awful"-ness.
I know this is a rambling post, but it just feels like a lot of things are tied together at the end of this year.
Lucas and I are ringing in the new year quietly, at home. I look forward to saying goodbye to 2010... the worst year of my life. But in some ways is was the best year of my life as well, and to say goodbye to that makes me feel very sad. I am leaving behind the year I got to see my son... to smell him, touch him, hold him, and look into his eyes. I got to hope for him and fight for him, and do the things a parents does for their child. It ended in the worst way possible, but I wouldn't give up those 6 days for anything on this earth. I don't want to keep moving farther away from the incredible time that I got to be hopeful. Time can heal, but time can hurt as well.
I wish everyone a 2011 filled with hope. I feel like I'm beginning to get some back.
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