Me and my crazy

I am feeling very crazy.  When I was pregnant with Owen, I think I had a cold once... and that was the extent of me being sick.  With this baby, I have had a horrendous cold, stomach bug, and now for no apparent reason, my lymph nodes are swollen in my neck.  I don't feel sick... I don't have a fever.  So of course I start googling all of the things that could be wrong with me.  After talking myself out of the notion that I have lymphoma, I start flipping out that I have some rare infection that is going to hurt the baby.  I started feeling very angry that the universe would do this to me and why do I always have to have the rare crazy things happen to me!!  Keep in mind, I haven't seen a doctor yet. 

I just feel like no matter how hard I try to believe that this baby will come home with me, my mind won't let me do it.  I just sat and cried today because I was so convinced that this baby was going to die because my lymph nodes are swollen.  I understand that this is irrational.  I feel ridiculous even writing about it here.  I just don't know how people get through rainbow pregnancies and don't go crazy.  I love this baby so much and I want to get to be its mom so so so badly.  I'm just so afraid that we will have to go through losing another child, and that it will kill us.  I wish that just because we "deserved" some light in our life meant that it would happen.  That this would all go along easily and happily.  Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way, and sometimes, terrible things happen more than once to good people. 

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with my new doctor.  I hope she doesn't think I am crazy.  And I hope that my stupid lymph nodes won't be swollen anymore.  And I hope to hear my baby's beautiful heartbeat.  And I hope that Owen will be there thinking "what a crazy mommy I have".