It is November 25, and my c-section is scheduled for 7:30am on November 30th. 4 more days really... 5 nights. It seems like such an insignificant amount of time when I think about the last 2 years of my life. Or even the last 4 years of my life. Even though it is so close... part of me still doesn't believe it can be ok, that he can be born healthy and I can hold him and kiss him and take.him.home. The first time I got pregnant I was 23. Today I am 27. It seems like a lot of years of failing, making a success story seem unlikely. It has taken its toll on me, my husband, my marriage, my family, and I don't even know that I can contemplate a life after the next 4 days. I can dream it, and I can wish it, but the reality of it eludes me. I hope with all of my heart that I get to experience it and actually get to see what it's like to be this person I have dreamed of being for so long. My dream of being a mother is much different now than it was when I was 23. I know that a piece of my heart will be occupied forever by Owen, and because he can't be here, that piece will always hurt. For a long time I thought that would be it. But Aden is our rainbow and he reminds me that there is peace after a storm, though that peace doesn't erase the pain and the damage the storm caused.
Owen would have been a year and a half old yesterday... and November 30th, the probable day of Aden's birth, marks a year and a half since he died.
I probably won't post until after the 30th, so please keep my little rainbow in your thoughts, and I hope with all of my heart my next post will include a picture of a healthy baby Aden. Thank you!
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