Approaching 5

The past couple of months have been difficult for me in terms of where I am in my grief.  I feel like other areas of my life have gotten brighter; I've begun to take control of my health and weight, my family relationships are strong, and I've started a new endeavor with ItWorks that I'm excited about.  That being said, there have been more nights lately that I've found myself crying in bed, angry at what has been lost.

This May will mark five years.  Year five feels like a weight right now.  Kindergarten.  Buying his backpack and lunchbox and first-day-of-school outfit.  I think the hardest hardest hardest part about 5, is that it feels like a passage from baby/toddler to full-fledged "kid," and I don't know Owen as a "kid".  I have no idea what he would look like, what his interests would be, what his strengths and challenges would be, his likes and dislikes.  It is the strangest form of longing to LOVE someone SO MUCH and not know who he is.  I can't explain it to non-loss parents.  The idea of it is too strange.  I try to envision Aden and Owen playing together- mostly fighting pretend dragons in the backyard as Aden loves to do, but the image is incomplete.  The only clear images I have are of an infant, and that's not true anymore.  This is hard.

Today I sat planning our small summer vacation.  I kept thinking and wishing that we had a closer network of friends with toddlers so we could plan something together and Aden would have someone to play with.  I started to get really upset about this, and finally came to the realization that I was just upset because he should have someone to play with already.  He should have a big brother and a best friend all of the time.  And you know what?  It's hard to make friends who have kids when one of mine is gone.  It just is.  I have made progress with this the past year since Aden has been in preschool and made some friends, so I guess I will just focus on that.

I guess I am coming to some sort of acceptance that we will not have any more children, and this wanting for Aden to have a sibling will just become part of my normal.  Though I was surprised (shocked) about becoming pregnant last October, I had visions of Aden as a big brother, and how he would be with his new sibling.  I started a "secret" Pinterest board of baby nurseries and pinned articles about bringing home a new sibling.  After that loss, I knew that mentally I could not survive another pregnancy that ended too soon, and seeing as how there are no guarantees, we decided that was it. Coming to grips with this decision has been a process, and I won't claim to be there 100% yet, but I feel like it's the right decision.

In the midst of all of this going on in my head, Aden brings light and love and joy to my heart every single day.  Where I would be without him is not a place I care to imagine.  I envision the next few months leading up to Owen's birthday to be difficult, but appreciate how fortunate I am to have my sweet rainbow here to make me smile.