Hurdle One

Baby has a great heartbeat... 171 to be exact :)  So many more hurdles to clear before we get to bring a baby home... but it feels better to have one behind us.  We know that Owen was with us today and was getting excited about being a big brother.  Thanks for the support and the prayers. 

<3 <3 <3

Panic

My ultrasound is tomorrow. Can't breathe. My entire body hurts because all of my muscles are in knots, and I don't know what to do. I keep trying to breathe in and out... Ugh, I just want there to be a heartbeat, I just can't stop thinking the worst. I love this baby so much I just want to know she's ok. Pray, cross your fingers, knock on wood, something for me and baby tomorrow.

Approaching

It amazes me that I am approaching Owen's first birthday, and first angelversary.  For some reason I have been talking about it a lot in the past week and it just seems so surreal.  I feel like there is nothing I can do that is good enough for him.  I know so many amazing mothers doing amazing things in their child's memory, and I really want to do that too.  My goal for this year was just to survive.  I really didn't think of much beyond that.  Every month I decorate Owen's grave for the upcoming holiday, and I started making his garden area in the back yard,  and that is it.  It kind of makes me feel ashamed of myself.  There are things that I want to do... I want to have a blood drive in his honor... I want to help other parents who have lost their children.  I just haven't gotten there yet.  So I am setting the goal today, that by his birthday next year,  I will have made one of these things a reality. 

Thinking about his first birthday makes me cry... a lot.  I don't want to buy a cake he can't have.  I don't want to buy balloons to release to Heaven instead of for him to play with.  It kills me that I don't know what he would look like now.  I only have 6 day old Owen.  It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced... to feel like I don't know my son... who he is, where he is, what he looks like.  His little personality would be coming out and I am missing all of it.  It is so cruel to know that he is growing up somewhere that I can't be.   I would do anything if I could just see him and tell him that I love him. 

My heart is in Heaven with you tonight.  I love you.

Short Term vs. Long Term

Well, I am on my way to 6 weeks.  This is not very far along in the scheme of things, but it is further than I got with my first two pregnancies, and... so far, so good.  I have my nightly cocktail of progesterone and aspirin and vitamins and just keep on keepin on.  I have found that I feel very differently than I thought I would.  If I think about things in the short term (i.e. my first ultra sound, doctor's appointments, etc)  I freak out.  I don't want to go to the ultrasound.  I want someone else to go for me, and let me know how it turns out.  I don't want to sit in the waiting room worrying that they aren't going to be able to find a heartbeat.  It's overwhelming.  I keep asking Owen to please watch over his sibling. 

If I think about things in the long term (i.e. after the baby is born, decorating a nursery, going to the park, having sleepovers, etc etc)  I am good.  Those things make me happy, and they no longer feel like "jinxing" anything.  The long term thoughts are the ones that keep my heart rate down where it belongs.  I just keep telling myself that despite my experiences, most people have healthy children.  Having your child die is NOT the norm, even though it feels like it.  I know there are a million things that could go wrong, and sometimes it seems amazing that any child makes it into this world... but I just can't think about it.  I keep telling this baby that she (yes, I've decided it's a girl, and won't change my mind unless I see that "It's a Boy" ultrasound) is going to be perfect and beautiful and healthy. 

I won't find out my official due date until my ultrasound on April 19th, but it will be sometime around December 2nd.  It seems very far away right now... but when I think about how inhumanly fast the past year has gone, I know that it will be here soon enough.  I try to keep my thoughts in December... thinking about my healthy baby and how happy Owen will be to be a big brother.  It hurts me to know that this child will grow up not knowing him... but I know we will insure that he is always always always part of our family.... everyday.  I am walking the path of missing him and being hopeful for this new baby. 

A Rainbow of My Own

This is still so new that I think I might be dreaming, but I have peed on enough sticks to confirm that I am pregnant.  There are so many things that I feel right now, that I don't know how my head isn't exploding off of my body.  I swore up and down that if I got pregnant again, I wouldn't tell anyone until I absolutely had to.  I was convinced that not sharing it would somehow lessen the blow that would occur if something bad happened.  And you know what?  Screw that.  Not that I'm going to shout it from rooftops or anything, but I just feel like so many of my family members and friends have been there for me and listened to all of the heartbreaking news that I have had to report in the last year, that I will be damned if I wait to share something happy.  And this is... happy.  I have decided that if something bad does happen... if we lose another child... that will be devastating regardless of who knows about it or not.  Other people sharing in my pain will not make my pain better or worse.  So ya, those of you who read my blog, you have been there for me and seen me through the darkest days and hours of my life.  So I share this happiness with you.  Yesterday was the happiest day of my new life.  My life after it was changed by Owen.  I know that there are over a million things that could go wrong.  I am resigned to the fact that I cannot humanly worry about all of them.  I feel like I have lived the last two days of my life... not just survived them.  I am determined to accept that it is ok for me to feel happy about this.  It is ok if I tell people.  I don't think I am "jinxing" it... for there it nothing to "jinx".  Whatever will happen will happen, and I can only do my best at giving this baby a safe place to grow and to cut down my stress as much as possible.  I do not know how long I can keep this zen-like attitude, but it works today.  I miss Owen so heart-breakingly much that I can't even describe it.  I miss him and I am so freaking sad that he isn't here with me today, his 10-month birthday.  I am so sad that I do not get the chance to watch him grow up.  But for the first time in almost a year... I have some hope, and it has come in the form of a rainbow... and I just know that Owen is feeling happy today too.  Please keep this baby in your thoughts, and think of nothing but health and love.  I thank you for the support you have given... and I can promise you that this will not be an "easy" or carefree pregnancy, and I may need you all to help me find my sanity.  But for today... please share my happiness.  <3 to all of you, and most of all, love to my beautiful angel Owen. 

** Disclaimer--  If you work at West Park... please keep this under wraps as I am not ready to have my pregnancy announced over the loudspeaker during morning announcements.  Thanks!!

Soul Mates

I don't really believe in "soul mates" as far as a man and a woman being the only right person for one another.  I believe that there are many people one could end up with, and it is your decisions that matter and decide the path you go down.  That being said, I believe that Owen is my soul mate.  Lucas' too.  That feeling of someone being absolutely "mine"... and completely belonging to someone else.  He had me from the moment I saw the two pink lines.  I was his.  When I saw him open his eyes and look at me... I have never felt anything like I felt at that moment.  The magnitude of having a child that you created... together... is absolutely unreal.  I know that all of our decisions for Owen came from a place of absolutely unending love, and I hope with all of my might that Owen knows that.  I feel like he does.  I feel like he knows that we did everything in our power to keep him, and that we tried so hard to give him peace when he left his body.  I hope that in Heaven, he still feels connected to us in a powerful way, the way that we feel connected to him. 

All of my heart is with my boy tonight.  <3

...

God I miss him.