Waiting

This week has been absolutely crazy.  I found out that I will no longer be teaching 4th grade, but 7/8 language arts instead.  This is exciting, but stressful as school starts in 1.5 weeks!!!  I had to move classrooms, start planning, and hope that everything comes together.  I'm still in that process now. 

During this time, Aden has been getting stronger and kicking much more.  I swear that every kick makes me happy.  Sometimes I will leave late for work or wherever I'm going because he's kicking so much and I don't want to get off of the couch and ruin it.  I realized that the way I've been feeling, is like I'm waiting for the **it to hit the fan.  I want to treasure everything now because I'm just waiting for the day when something is wrong, and my life turns into a tornado of worrying and dr. appts and ultrasounds.  I know how quickly a pregnancy can go from great to an emergency... but I want so badly for things to keep going as they are right now.  Baby is moving, I am feeling good, and we are just swimming along to our dr appts and everything is fine.  It blows my mind that people can have pregnancies like this.. all the way to the end??? Could it be possible?  I don't know.  I wish for it every day. 

I am going to continue to treasure my time being pregnant with Aden... but I'm going to try and stop thinking about what could go wrong.  It probably won't work :)  But a girl can dream right?  I am hoping that my new grade level will keep me busy and that time will fly by- less time for worrying, and soon it will be November and Aden will come and Owen will be a big brother.  I hope I hope I hope I hope. I hope.

This.Is.So.Hard

I am a flipping mess right now.   I am just cleaning, putting away some laundry, when I just start crying.  I was hit with the image of taking a tiny quilt to the mortuary on the day of Owen's funeral. The wife of one of Lucas' friends made us this little quilt before Owen was born with Peter Cottontail on it.  It was blue and green.  Lucas and I slept with it every night the few weeks before Owen was born, because we decided that if we could put it in the NICU with him, it would smell like us.  We didn't get to put it in the NICU with him, but it is buried with him now.  I don't know why I thought of this quilt at that exact moment, but about 3.5 second later, "Tears in Heaven" came on the TV Radio.  So I proceeded to curl up amongst my laundry and cry for my son and his Peter Cottontail quilt. 

I have been having a serious anxiety attack since we found out about Aden (our rainbow baby)... because now I have to decide if I want to use the bedding I bought for Owen for Aden's nursery.  My husband doesn't understand why this is a big deal.. as he says "it won't be the only bedding he ever has"... and "maybe Owen would like for his brother to have it".  But he wasn't the one who spent HOURS online searching for the perfect bedding. (I have an OCD bedding habit.  I don't really know how else to explain it, but I literally have CLOSETS full of bedding because that's how much I love to shop for it).  I have been looking and looking and looking online for new bedding for Aden, because I had just decided I wanted something new... and all I keep seeing online is the bedding I bought for Owen.  The same bedding I have sitting in the closet in a storage bag.  I love it.  And this just seems so stupid because there are so many other things to think about... not to mention the fact that the nursery doesn't need to be done for probably another 4 months.  But I want it.  I want tangible proof that we are going to have a baby in our home.  I know having a decked out nursery won't mean Aden will get to come home... but I just feel like showing the universe it hasn't broken me.  That I believe in Aden and our family, no matter how scared I am all the time.

And I want Owen to know that his memory and his life are a part of our family.  Though he won't meet his brother in this life, his brother will KNOW him.  And maybe this special thing that I bought for Owen should be shared with his brother.  And it should get to come out and be a part of our new life too... not just sit sadly in a bag on a shelf.  Or maybe I'm just a crazy person who cares far too much about bedding. 

I miss Owen so much I can feel it in every part of me.  And I worry that his brother will look just like him.  And I worry that he won't look like him at all.  This journey of carrying my rainbow is so hard and so emotional, and everyday I feel guilty that maybe I'm hurting Aden by being so sad inside... but then I feel guilty when I'm happy because maybe I'm hurting Owen by being so in love with Aden.  This is just so hard and I wish that there was a way to make it easier, but there just isn't.  Part of my heart is in Heaven with Owen and part of it is here with Aden.  

Hurdle Two

My oh my today was an emotional day.  I sat petrified on my sofa from 8am to 12 pm just thinking of all of the things that could happen at today's ultrasound.  I cried on an off the whole morning and swung back and forth between hopeful and certain that something would be wrong. I put on all of my "Owen jewelery" for good luck. I finally got to leave and go to the perinatologists office.  I was glad to be going to the specialists right away instead of possibly having to have multiple ultrasounds.  I got there and Lucas arrived a few minutes later.  We both just sat there nervously. 

Finally we got to go in and the tech was very nice and had clearly read our file and spoken with the doctor prior to calling us back (this was appreciated!).  She was very careful to tell us that the heart was in the correct place, as was the stomach (these were two early signs that they noticed were wrong in Owen's ultrasounds).  My jaw almost hit the floor when she told us it was a boy, because I have been oh-so-cocky about just "knowing" that it was a girl.  I could tell we were both holding on to our happiness until after we met with the doctor.  We were fortunate enough to meet with a doctor who specializes in ultrasound/radiology, which was comforting.  We had not met her before during all of our appointments there in my last pregnancy, but she was VERY familiar with our history.  I truly appreciated this.  She knew things I had forgotten... like how many ultrasounds it took to diagnose Owen.  She was very accommodating,  and rechecked his heart and abdomen herself.  She also took some 3D pictures so we could see his face!  She concluded that there was "nothing but good news to be had today".  Those words have never been spoken to me after an ultrasound, and it was the most wonderful thing I've ever heard. 

Afterward, another doctor that I had met with several times came in to say congratulations and make, as she put it, a social call.  This just felt so good that people do remember Owen and they DO understand how difficult this is.  She told us that she had spoken with the radiologist before our appt and told her "your job today is not to find anything wrong with that baby!!!"  That level of caring is, to me, very rare in this field and I was highly impressed. 

They told me I could come back in a month for another u/s for reassurance, but that everything looked "great". 

I can think of no better birthday gift than the one I received today.  I got to see my second son.  We still have 20 weeks (or a few less) to go... and believe me I KNOW all of the things that could happen between now and then, but today, I am happy, and I have great news.  I just wish Owen was here too, but I know he was with me today... laughing at me because he knew all along he was going to have a baby brother and I kept insisting he'd have a sister :) 

So much love for both of my boys.  I can't wait to meet Lil Bit :)

Thank you for the prayers and good thoughts, I carried them with me today.

One more week

One week until my ultrasound.  I am feeling better after my trip to the therapist... she is a wonderful woman and I feel more balanced in my fear and excitement.  I AM excited to see this baby.. to know who he or she is.  I get people wanting to wait to find out the sex of their baby, but having the experience I've had, I was so glad that we knew Owen was a boy, because I could think about him, use his name, and dream about the person he would be.  It made me feel closer to him.  When you believe you have your whole life to get to know your child, it might not seem as important, but it's important to me.  Obviously the most important part of the ultrasound will be to find out if Lil Bit is developing correctly.  There could be no better birthday present than for the doctor to tell me everything looks great next week.  Will it completely alleviate my fears? No.  But I think it will help me remember that this is NOT the same pregnancy... it doesn't have to end in pain and tragedy.  I hope every day for those words to be spoken to me next week, and I am asking that you hope with me. 

I will update after our appointment next week, good or not so good (but hopefully all good!!).

Love

I am so in love with this baby.  We are calling it "Lil Bit" for now... until I am proved right at our ultrasound in TWO WEEKS that it's a girl.  Lil Bit has started moving around.  I am so thankful that I can feel this early (17 weeks) as when I do feel it, it is very reassuring.  I can't wait until it's consistent and Lucas can feel the kicks from the outside. 

I really really like my new doctor.  She seems comfortable with my history... she didn't bring up anything unnecessary, but was fine when I talked about Owen.  I am very happy with my decision to leave the other practice. 

I have also decided to go back and see the therapist I saw when Owen died.  I feel like I need someone to listen to all of my crazy rantings and thoughts who gets paid to be attentive and not get angry at me for being negative.  I don't really know what else to do, and I feel like my current level of anxiety is just too much.  I am very worried that when summer school ends, I will just have endless hours to worry and worry and worry (though I'm very glad summer school is over this week!!!!).  I am hopeful that she will be able to help me deal with some of it. 

For right now, I am trying to be content in this moment that Lil Bit has given me.  <3

Me and my crazy

I am feeling very crazy.  When I was pregnant with Owen, I think I had a cold once... and that was the extent of me being sick.  With this baby, I have had a horrendous cold, stomach bug, and now for no apparent reason, my lymph nodes are swollen in my neck.  I don't feel sick... I don't have a fever.  So of course I start googling all of the things that could be wrong with me.  After talking myself out of the notion that I have lymphoma, I start flipping out that I have some rare infection that is going to hurt the baby.  I started feeling very angry that the universe would do this to me and why do I always have to have the rare crazy things happen to me!!  Keep in mind, I haven't seen a doctor yet. 

I just feel like no matter how hard I try to believe that this baby will come home with me, my mind won't let me do it.  I just sat and cried today because I was so convinced that this baby was going to die because my lymph nodes are swollen.  I understand that this is irrational.  I feel ridiculous even writing about it here.  I just don't know how people get through rainbow pregnancies and don't go crazy.  I love this baby so much and I want to get to be its mom so so so badly.  I'm just so afraid that we will have to go through losing another child, and that it will kill us.  I wish that just because we "deserved" some light in our life meant that it would happen.  That this would all go along easily and happily.  Unfortunately, the world doesn't work that way, and sometimes, terrible things happen more than once to good people. 

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with my new doctor.  I hope she doesn't think I am crazy.  And I hope that my stupid lymph nodes won't be swollen anymore.  And I hope to hear my baby's beautiful heartbeat.  And I hope that Owen will be there thinking "what a crazy mommy I have". 

Things I Didn't Want To Hear

Last week, on Owen's birthday, I went to the doctor for my 12 week visit for baby Tomczyk 2.  This was the first time I had seen her for this pregnancy... my first visit I saw the NP, who was wonderful to me and very understanding.  This is the same OB I saw for most of my pregnancy with Owen, until I was transferred to the perinatologists office at 30 something weeks.  I have seen her since Owen passed.  She prescribed me Clomid to try for another baby.  She ordered my bloodwork for clotting disorders and talked to me about the results, referred me to the genetic counselor... let's just say she knows my story.  Or so you would think.

She walks into the exam room and asks "So, are you ready to do all of this again?  It's so soon!  Did you plan to have them so close together?"

Me:  Um, yes, it was planned (you prescribed me the Clomid dummy)

Dr:  Oh, you just never know!  Life is going to be crazy with two kids under 2 at home!!  But you know, once they hit 3 it will calm down

Me:  Stunned silence.  Unsure of what to say or how to react to that comment

Dr:  So how is everything going?

Me:  Well... I am having a lot of anxiety issues, especially this week.

Dr:  Really?  What are you worried about?

Me:  Well, today is my son's birthday, and next Monday will be a year since he died.

Dr:  (Realization hits her face)  Oh my gosh, of course, I forgot!  I just didn't look far enough into the file to see that part, now I remember.  Wow, yeah, these new digital files, it's so hard to get to that 'problems' page.  I really have to search through there.

** Note the lack of apology or compassion.  Also, I don't care how difficult it is for you to look in a file... that seems to be a lot less difficult than walking into my room on my son's birthday and making things worse than they already were. This 'explanation' goes on for several minutes... these were some of the comments that were included, as I sat there in complete silence:

Dr:  I had forgotten the first one didn't turn out like we wanted

Dr:  I think I just try to block out the bad, you know?  That's what I want you to do, too. 

Dr.  At least this time you'll have the Level 2 ultrasound nice and early, that way if anything is wrong you can have time to make the tough decisions about keeping the baby.

I literally said virtually nothing during the rest of this appointment.  I was amazed that a person who had been my doctor through both miscarriages and partially when I lost Owen could say these things to me and think that it was OK.  Nothing about that meeting was OK to me.  How could someone say to me that "at least" I could abort this baby if something is wrong with it... and it "doesn't turn out how we want".  This woman delivers babies for a living, and this is how she speaks to her bereaved patient???  On my son's birthday?? 

Needless to say I will never see this woman again, and she will be nowhere near when I deliver this baby.  I found a new ob practice closer to my house, and have an appointment there at the end of the month.  I sincerely hope for more understanding and just plain decency from this new doctor.  Good riddance.