Numb

I feel like part of me is getting used to the pain that I wake up with every day, and I guess that is probably part of "the process". I feel like I am ready for it when I open my eyes, instead of it blindsiding me. Another part of me thinks, how horrible is it to get used to something like that? It feels like part of me has been lost and has gone numb. I suppose that Owen was a part of me for a long time, and he is gone so I have lost that part.

I have the ability to go out and to speak to people and to get through a day. I am hoping that if I can fake being a human for long enough then I will eventually start feeling like a human again. Sometimes it feels good to go out and act like my old self. No one would ever know what is going on under the surface and that I miss my baby so much it feels like it is going to kill me.

Sometimes, actually a lot of times, I think about the future, and I try and make plans in my head for what in the hell we are going to do now. What do parents do who don't have a baby? I feel guilty for wanting to see past losing Owen. It just feels like... really?! This is going to be every day for the rest of my life... missing him. Not that I don't want to miss him, I just feel like there has to be a way that life can get better. I just want to hold him and have CDH not exist and then he would have been a healthy baby that I could have brought home with me.

I guess I don't know which is worse... being blindsided by the pain and feeling it, or being numb inside. I guess it's easier to function when I am not feeling anything, but it scares me to become a walking zombie who doesn't feel things. That's not what life is about, right?