Pictures and Words

I decided to add a picture of Owen to my last post. I went back and forth about this, because I didn't know how people would feel about it. I decided that I don't care how people feel about it because he was my beautiful baby and I want people to know that he existed and what he looked like.

I don't think I will post any of the pictures of us as a family because they are very private, but I did want people to see what a beautiful son lucas and I had and what our memories of him are like. We had a photographer from a non-profit agency called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep come to the hospital on his last day so that we could have some really nice photos of him and of us as a family. It may sound strange to do something like that, and it is really hard to look at his pictures on most days, but I am so happy that I have them and that I will never ever forget his sweet little face or his little feet.

When I look at his pictures he looks so perfect and healthy and beautiful and peaceful. It is painful that the only time we got to see him without any tubes and tape all over him was after he was gone, but I'm still glad we had that time. That whole time is such a blur which is another reason why I'm glad we have quite a few pictures. I remember talking to him and telling him he didn't have to struggle anymore and that lucas and I would be ok. I got to hold him and kiss him which is something we weren't ever able to do while he was hooked up to ECMO. Lucas and I kissed him all over his face and told him that we would love him forever and I just hope that he could hear us.

I still write him letters all the time. I wish that there was somewhere I could send them so he could read them and know how much my heart aches for him. I feel very empty because I have lost all of his future and our future together as a family and I just want him to know that we did everything humanly possible to give him that future.

I love you Owen.