Lucas & I have started on a new journey in that we have applied to become certified to adopt. I know that my babylost friends can understand, but I feel like maybe I should explain to those who have never felt the pain of losing a child. I miss Owen with all of my heart... he was my everything, and now he is gone. This terrible thing has happened, and (yes, "and"... not "but") I still want a family. I have wanted a baby for over 3 years... it was all I thought about for 3 years and I believed that all of my hopes had been answered with Owen, and in the happiness that he brought me, they were answered, but cut unimaginably short.
There is no "replacing" Owen... and I feel like some believe that is what we are trying to do... and that is unreal to me. No one else will ever be Owen. The decision to adopt has come after many many tears and discussions and much grief. The tears and the discussions and the grief are also far from over. People have told me that I need "time to grieve" the loss of my baby, and while time is a friend to me, grieving is not something that just stops one day. It is not as though, in a year, or two years, I will suddenly be done grieving. There will always be times when someone asks me how many children I have, or every Christmas and holiday, or every family photo, that I will be grieving. And even with all of this pain and the hurt, I cannot stop my want for a child that gets to stay with me. And the happiness that having a child will bring me, will never take away the pain that I feel over losing my baby or the immense love that I feel for him. I imagine that they will exist together. There has not been a minute of my life since finding out I was carrying Owen that I have ceased to think about him. I do not imagine that there ever will be. And I still want a family. And I still want the hope of bringing happiness into our lives at some point in the future. And and and... never but. I will never leave him behind... he will be with me always.
I love your decision. It is made out of love. What can be more loving than to open your arms and family and heart to a child who is without?
ReplyDeleteAs for Owen, I know, and I smile because I know and it is a relief to spend a moment here with someone who knows. I know about they way you live always with the one you lost. I see people watch me and check in to see when my button pops and I'm done "grieving" and I almost think, oh you of simple mind. It doesn't work that way. And, it doesn't mean I'm miserable every moment.
Replacement. That word is as far from applicable as can be, that it again, is laughable. To tears.
Blessings in your journey of loss and hope in the joys of a growing family.
I agree with Laurie. I love your decision too. And it is YOURS to make, no one else's. Your grief is your own. It will always be a part of you, it's who you are now. And it's okay. We're here to support you.
ReplyDeleteSo well expressed, honest and sincere. Good for you. Hugs~
ReplyDeleteIf people think that you can ever stop grieving a child they haven't had one. You will always miss him and think of him and you should. You will never be the same and I give all the support you need. There is a baby out there that needs your love and it will be a lucky baby to have strong parents. You never have to explain yourself.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful decision. No one has any right to judge you for your choices because they are not you. I love everything Natalie wrote, and will also support you and your family completely and in any way possible. Thinking of you, Lucas, and Owen, always.
ReplyDelete