Certainty

I miss Owen. I miss him every minute of every hour of every day. Sometimes the pain is worse than others, but the missing is always there. Despite this missing and this horrible horrible thing that has happened to us, we still want a family. It is very hurtful to hear someone say to me that she's concerned we're just trying to replace Owen. Only someone who has never lost a child could say something like that. He was a person, not just "baby". You can't replace a PERSON. I have written about this on a previous blog, but I just don't understand how someone can think that. I also don't understand the idea that there is a "convenient" time to want or start a family. If I could somehow switch off this undeniable wanting for a family until a more "convenient" time, I would do it. I don't believe such a time exists, however, so what would be the point? I hear, "Well, it will be easier in a year". Will it? I don't know. I can't predict the future so well as others apparently can.

Her hurtful words only continue, to tell us that we do not seem like a strong couple, but very separate. Again, I don't have any words for this because how does sitting across a table from us for an hour give you any indication of the status of our marriage? The thing is, I can't even explain this. I can't come up with any explanation to tell anyone as to why we would seem this way. I feel that we act much in the same way as we did before Owen. We have never been lovey dovey... we don't typically show affection in public. We're not hand holders. Not even when we were dating. This does not indicate that something is wrong, it is just who we are as people. I don't know if we are supposed to put on some sort of show for this woman, or if I should just go with my gut and tell her this is just how it is. She implies that losing Owen has damaged our marriage. I agree that we could have easily gone there. I explain that this is one of the main reasons I went to therapy, so that I could deal with us grieving differently. Since that time, things have come together in a new sense of normal. Not the old normal, but still normal for us as the new people we are. We have always been ones to just let each other be. Maybe we are "separate"... why is this a problem? We know that we love each other, but we are independent of each other also. This is not a change... this remains the same, except we have an even deeper connection of this incredible love for and incredible loss of Owen.

I would not be proceeding with this adoption if any part of me thought it wasn't for the right reasons. I am conscious of the fact that sometimes people can try and use a child to fix things in their lives. I absolutely know that a child is not capable of fixing anything. A baby's job is to be a baby. Not to fix a marriage or to "make up for" the loss of another child. If I believed that these were my motives I would be ashamed and I would not proceed. I know that my motives are good. I want a baby so that I can love him or her. I also KNOW with 100% certainty that if Lucas was not in this for the long haul, then he would not pretend to be. There is no amount of persuasive speech or tears or discussion that can make that man do something he does not want to do. He does not pretend, he does not do things just because. It is one of the reasons I am in love with him. It is also one of the things that annoys me most at times. But I am glad for it because I can be absolutely sure that he is in this. I have no doubts.

I know with my whole heart that Owen knows we love him. He knew that for every second of his too-short life. And now I believe he knows with a kind of understanding that those of us on Earth can never hope to achieve. I also know that happiness can live somewhere in the future for us. Not the kind of happiness we once dreamed of, because Owen will never be here with us. Part of my heart will be with him until we're together again. But there must be some kind of happiness that can co-exist with the missing of Owen. I have love in my heart that I know belongs to a child who is able to stay with me. I just don't have that child yet. The love I have for Owen belongs to him and no one else. This is all very clear to me. I am not confused. The only thing I am unsure of is how to prove all of this to someone else.. someone who doesn't know me... someone who can't understand what I feel for my son. This is what I need help with, not the other.