I wake up, go to work, come home, work out, shower, watch tv, go to bed. There is very little time in there for being sad. Sometimes it gets me in the car on the way to work, but I carpool for most of the way, so even then I am running away from it. I have a picture of Owen and Lucas on my desk at work... and every time I see it it makes me feel proud that I have an amazing husband and the bravest son in the world, but it also hits me right in the heart, just for that second. I am sitting in a classroom full of healthy children, and I just want to understand why their parents got to keep all of them and I didn't get to keep Owen.
I would have been the best mom. And I would have been a good mom even without the huge struggle to keep him here. I know this in my heart. I didn't need the struggle to appreciate him. I knew he was a miracle even before all of this. I was ok if I never had another child after him... I didn't need one... I just needed him. And as I sit here physically exhausted, I know that I'm just running from my sadness. I am not "better" or "happier"... I am just getting better at pushing it someplace else. I think I am going to regret this immensely this weekend when I finally have to stop because I have no place to go. I guess I will worry about that then.
That's a good way to put it...you don't get "better or happier" you just learn to deal with the different. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteYep. Exactly what you both said. Exactly.
ReplyDeleteI get really tired of people telling me "you're doing well"
There is no "better" - you just are more and more used to living with sadness always nearby. It's a co-existence. Equalization. I didn't DO it. I didn't work for this. It is just the way it goes. And even that is sad to me. But, just give me a moment and believe me, you'll see, the sadness of the loss hasn't changed a bit. It has just settled itself. It has found it's home. It's there whenever I want, need, or am drawn there.
And I hate it too. Because it makes everybody think, I'm doing great and am "so strong" and working through it.
It is not acceptance. It is resignation. And that is mostly a front for me and for the world because I live here and that is what is required.
Bleh.