Time Flying By

Wow... I can't believe it has been almost three months since my last post.  I thought I would be one of those parents who posts weekly about their baby's accomplishments... but sadly work and life have gotten in the way.  Aden is almost 5 months old and absolutely perfect.  I can't get enough of him.  He is 99th percentile in all of his growth stats... meaning he's 20 pounds at not even 5 months.  Insane.  He also loves to stand with support, can roll from tummy to back, and tries really hard to sit up when he's laying down.  He has one little front bottom tooth.  He is the happiest little guy I have ever seen, and he smiles just like I did when I was a baby- mouth open as wide as it will go.  He brings pure joy into my life. 

I often think what my life would be like if I had an almost two year old at home right now too.  Looking at pictures, I think Owen just looks like a big brother... he has a wise face.  Aden has a mischievous little face with a twinkle in his eye.  It hurts me every day to know that I missed all of this with him.  I will never get to see him roll over or take his first step.  I kiss his face in a frame outside my room every night on my way to bed, and every night I wish I was tucking him into bed instead.

In light of everything, I have realized that my current job (aka my current 50 minute commute) is not working for me.  I had hoped to be able to stay home with Aden at least part time, but it doesn't look like that is a reality I am going to be able to achieve at this time.  I have since come to the decision that working closer to my home is the best thing for my family and me right now.  My hope is that I can have more time to keep up with housework and bills and whatnot before Lucas and Aden get home, and I can therefore have better quality time with him when we are able to be together.  I am trying really hard to be grateful that my job allows me to spend three months out of every year at home with him, as I know many people don't get even that.  It just seems like it's not enough.  I want everything for him.

I am also taking steps to try and control my anxiety at this time.  Unfortunately, my ability to nurse Aden is coming to an end due to several factors, and I am trying to make peace with this.  The one thing that is now a possibility, however, because of not nursing anymore, I am able to explore some herbal remedies to help me deal with my anxiety without fear of them affecting my milk.  I have struggled with anxiety and anxiety attacks since I was about 11 years old, and I have found them getting bad again since giving birth.  My hope is that I can react to things that happen in a reasonable way instead of feeling like everything is so out of control all the time.

That is all for now, sorry for the scattered thoughts.  I am going to try and update more often from here on out.