Triggers

Last night I was watching Grey's Anatomy, as I do every Thursday night, and this particular episode was extremely hard for me.  A baby in the NICU died in his mother's arms... that being the first time she was able to hold him.  It was like being punched in the stomach.  I know that it's a TV show... and I have to give kudos to the writers because they got a lot of things right, but it put me right back in the NICU with Owen. 

This mother on the TV didn't cry when she was able to hold her baby for the first time... neither did I.  The TV doctor explained to her what would happen, much as Owen's doctor did that day.  She didn't break down until after he stopped breathing and was gone, and neither did I.   Once he was gone, I had no one left to be strong for... there was nothing left to fight for or to hope for.  It was all over and my son was gone.  So regardless of the fact that it was fiction and a television show... it hurt.  My whole body and soul hurt from watching this, and yet I'm glad I did.  Sometimes I feel guilty about how happy Aden makes me.  My son is dead and I didn't know that I would ever feel happy again, but I do because of his brother.  It feels right that it hurt this badly sometimes.  It felt right to cry all the way to work today because I want to hold my son again.  It felt right that some of my students asked about him today and I told them how he died.  It feels awful, but it's supposed to feel awful.

I don't know if any of that made any sense, but that's ok.  I love my boys more than I can express.  <3