Five and One

The past three weeks of my life have been quite painful... both physically and mentally. About mid-October, we were shocked (but excited) to learn that I was pregnant.  We had previously decided we were not going to try to have anymore children, as we agreed it was too much of a mental struggle after what we have been through.  This though... this was a surprise.  There was no trying to get pregnant... no charting, no clomid, no stress.... I just was.  And it was terrifying and exciting.  I knew it would be difficult to afford another child, but I wasn't letting myself think about that yet... I, of all people, know that it is a loooong road from two pink lines to bringing a baby home.  I decided just to let myself be excited.  I even started a secret pinterest board of baby nurseries and bottle types and how to prepare your child for another baby at home.  Was I getting ahead of myself?  yes.  Did it make me happy?  yes.  Such is the life of a type-A person such as myself.

Due to some odd events early in the pregnancy, I had a very early ultrasound and bloodwork.  Then more bloodwork.  Things came back.... weird.  More ultrasounds.... more bloodwork. 

No baby. 

After about 2 and a half weeks of tests and hoping and worrying, it was decided I was probably experiencing an ectopic pregnancy.  After experiencing some consistent pain, I ended up in the ER early last week and was treated with a drug to "dissolve" the pregnancy.  While I am thankful I was able to avoid surgery,  this drug is not without its own host of fun side effects... the likes of which I am still dealing with. 


As I sat in my hospital room after getting the shots, I actually laughed out loud in my frustration and said to my mom, "can you believe this has happened to me?  After everything else... this is how the universe gets its last laugh at me??"  I have lost ANOTHER chance for a baby.  This pregnancy made FIVE.  They ask you at the hospital "number of pregnancies? number of living children?"  FIVE and ONE.  Right now I think I am still in disbelief that I have yet again become a statistic.  This happens in 1 in 50 pregnancies... so I guess that's more likely than the 1 in 7500 I had for Owen's CDH.  Too bad those odds don't work for me in playing the lotto.  I am in a state of anger right now I think.  After everything I went through to get to this place of being OK with my new life... to being a mother to Aden and a mother to Owen's memory, how could life do this to me? 

So here I am now.  Suffering yet another loss.  Another baby I won't get to know, or read to, or buy Christmas presents for. Aden will still grow up alone.  And there's not a damned thing I can do about it.  So instead, I hug Aden tighter, snuggle him more, and pour all of the love that I have into being his mom. 

I debated about writing this... feeling like no one wants to know this.  But if I can't break the silence, after all of the work I have done to bring awareness to child loss, then I am not being who I am.  I am not asking for anyone's sympathy, I know I'm going to be OK.  I am asking for your awareness to the fact that this happens... a  lot.  To a lot of women.  Pregnancy loss, infant loss, infertility, still birth... they are all heart-shattering. So if you're lucky enough to have your children at home with you and healthy, give them an extra kiss tonight for this baby that would have been so so so loved in our family. <3 br="">

And Here I Am

It has been a long while since I've posted on this blog.  I felt like I had said the same things over and over and nothing changed.  It has been 4 years and 3 months exactly since I said goodbye to my little fox.  I feel like in the past year I have learned some things about this journey... one of them being that as soon as I think I have come to the top of a particularly difficult hill, I see another one rise even higher before me. 

I have learned that I can be happy.  This past year I have allowed myself to actually take care of me.  I have kept up with doctor's appointments, I have gotten my hair colored and cut at an actual salon, I have gotten pedicures, and I have started working out for the first time in years.  My marriage has begun to recover and come to a more stable place.  I have let go of past hurts, and I have reconnected with old friends who remember who I was before my life changed.  It's interesting that you need those people more as your life changes.  To remind you that you were once the person only you remember in your mind. This is good momentum.  And yet-

When I read posts from the days after Owen's death, they don't seem so far away.  They seem like they have been engrained into me and I can feel them all over again.  While time has dulled the edge of my flashbacks and the acutely painful memories, there are things every.single.day that make me ache for my life in that alternate universe where I have both of my children with me.  When Aden's teacher sent home a questionnaire for a project they were doing, and it listed: "siblings and their ages".  I had to attach a separate piece of paper to explain.   This week they are doing a project with family photos, so I am faced with how to handle that.  Recently, Aden and I were walking up to his school, and he stopped next to a little angel statue in the front garden.  He patted its head and said "that's like Owen, that's my brother".  For just a moment I caught the smallest glimpse of how Aden sees his brother, and that it is all he will ever have.  I won't have the moments of seeing them together, getting into trouble, creating chaos in my life and driving me crazy :).  

I think one of the hardest things that each passing year brings with it, is that I don't know who my son is right now.  I don't know what he looks like- if he has my curly hair and if it has turned dark.  I don't know the quirks of his personality, what his favorite things are, what his lovey of choice is.  Next year he would be starting kindergarten and I won't know what kind of lunch box he would have chosen or what backpack he would have liked.  This is the thing about losing a child, that the only memories I have are brief and full of so much pain.  What I would give for one memory where I could have known he was happy and free from pain.  

So I think really what I have learned is that the grief of losing my son will never dissipate, because he was supposed to be with me for the rest of my life.  The fact that he is not means that my whole life is being re-written as I go along.  The people who could not accept this fact have long since been cut out of my new story, and the ones who can accept it are appreciated more than they know.  I am going to try to write here more as I continue this path "on the other side," because I miss writing about him.  I hope he knows how much he is still wanted and missed, and how our family is incomplete without him.  

~W

Balance

So I have been on summer break for a little over a month now... and I guess being at home is different than I thought.  I had been waiting for this time since the day I went back to work from being on maternity leave.  I am now finding that I am bored.  Like SO bored.  Not bored with Aden, just tired of sitting around the house.  In fairness, Aden is just as bored as I am!  I try and take him somewhere everyday, even if it's just to walk around the library for 10 minutes, just for a change of scenery.  I feel extremely guilty about feeling this way though. I feel like I should be getting so much more done if I'm home all the time, and I should feel elated that I am home with my boy (which I am), but I'm also bored!  I miss talking to grown ups.  I miss having a reason to get dressed in a nice outfit that isn't going to be pooped on or drooled on or peed on... you get the idea.  I love this boy more than anything and anyone on this Earth.  I just wish I could find that balance.  I know my heart is going to break when I go back to work, even though I miss working.  I really wish I could work part-time and still be a teacher.  I know this is possible... more likely if I taught high school as they have more part time positions, but I don't know.  Perhaps if I was a stay at home mom for real I would find my routine and a group of friends to talk to.  I just think it's hard to go back and forth from working and staying home.  Don't get me wrong, one of the biggest motivating factors in me becoming a teacher was that I knew I could see my future children more than at any other job, so I SO appreciate being able to see Aden develop and grow before my very eyes.  I just wish I had that counterpart...  This post is kind of rambling now, I don't even know where I was going with it.  Just trying to get out the guilt I feel for thinking this way... for missing work.  And I know I'll regret those words when I go back to work and miss Aden so much.  Sigh.  For now I will be happy in looking at my sweet baby on the video monitor as he sleeps.  <3

2 Years

This post is coming a little late... but the thoughts have been bouncing around in my head for a while.  On May 24th, my little fox would have been 2 years old.  And on May 30th, he had been gone for two years.  It amazed me how long it seemed to take for those days to go by, when two years ago it seemed to take only seconds. 

I didn't plan a birthday party this year.  For some reason it just felt... wrong.  We did celebrate, in our own way, but I just didn't want to act like I was happy.  I am not happy that he's not here.  Last year we did plan a celebration of sorts, and it seemed to add more stress, not take it away.  So this year I made some baked s'mores (from scratch!!), we lit two little candles and sang happy birthday to my baby. 

We also took in the Project Owen donation to Phoenix Children's.  This project has felt so worthwhile and amazing.  My friends and family were overly generous in giving to this project, and I am so thankful.  We donated 6 baskets (one for each day Owen was alive) full of things for grieving parents.  They included outfits, blankets, and stuffed animals for a baby to be photographed with, a baby book made for angel babies, an angel wing necklace and key chain for mommy and daddy, hats and hairbows, and a list of helpful resources for the parents.   They turned out so great and I know that Owen is so proud of the work being done in his name.  I would like to be able to get non-profit status somewhere down the road, I think that would be wonderful.  So a huge thank you to everyone who donated, we could not have done anything close to this without you. 

 

I hope to be able to do something similar next year, though I might try out boxes instead of baskets just for portability's sake!

I miss Owen so much and sometimes it hits me that there's nothing I can do about  it.  There's nothing to make the hole in my heart go away.  Aden has certainly helped to heal a lot of me... but I won't ever be the same, and I don't want to be.  Owen has fundamentally changed who I am in my heart and in my soul and I will forever be his mommy.  I believe I will see him again someday... but it will never be enough to make me miss him less in this life.

Thank you to those of you who remembered Owen happily and were kind enough to send me a message about him.  Those are the things that warm my heart. 

Happy Birthday little fox... your mom misses you every minute.  <3

Triggers

Last night I was watching Grey's Anatomy, as I do every Thursday night, and this particular episode was extremely hard for me.  A baby in the NICU died in his mother's arms... that being the first time she was able to hold him.  It was like being punched in the stomach.  I know that it's a TV show... and I have to give kudos to the writers because they got a lot of things right, but it put me right back in the NICU with Owen. 

This mother on the TV didn't cry when she was able to hold her baby for the first time... neither did I.  The TV doctor explained to her what would happen, much as Owen's doctor did that day.  She didn't break down until after he stopped breathing and was gone, and neither did I.   Once he was gone, I had no one left to be strong for... there was nothing left to fight for or to hope for.  It was all over and my son was gone.  So regardless of the fact that it was fiction and a television show... it hurt.  My whole body and soul hurt from watching this, and yet I'm glad I did.  Sometimes I feel guilty about how happy Aden makes me.  My son is dead and I didn't know that I would ever feel happy again, but I do because of his brother.  It feels right that it hurt this badly sometimes.  It felt right to cry all the way to work today because I want to hold my son again.  It felt right that some of my students asked about him today and I told them how he died.  It feels awful, but it's supposed to feel awful.

I don't know if any of that made any sense, but that's ok.  I love my boys more than I can express.  <3

Time Flying By

Wow... I can't believe it has been almost three months since my last post.  I thought I would be one of those parents who posts weekly about their baby's accomplishments... but sadly work and life have gotten in the way.  Aden is almost 5 months old and absolutely perfect.  I can't get enough of him.  He is 99th percentile in all of his growth stats... meaning he's 20 pounds at not even 5 months.  Insane.  He also loves to stand with support, can roll from tummy to back, and tries really hard to sit up when he's laying down.  He has one little front bottom tooth.  He is the happiest little guy I have ever seen, and he smiles just like I did when I was a baby- mouth open as wide as it will go.  He brings pure joy into my life. 

I often think what my life would be like if I had an almost two year old at home right now too.  Looking at pictures, I think Owen just looks like a big brother... he has a wise face.  Aden has a mischievous little face with a twinkle in his eye.  It hurts me every day to know that I missed all of this with him.  I will never get to see him roll over or take his first step.  I kiss his face in a frame outside my room every night on my way to bed, and every night I wish I was tucking him into bed instead.

In light of everything, I have realized that my current job (aka my current 50 minute commute) is not working for me.  I had hoped to be able to stay home with Aden at least part time, but it doesn't look like that is a reality I am going to be able to achieve at this time.  I have since come to the decision that working closer to my home is the best thing for my family and me right now.  My hope is that I can have more time to keep up with housework and bills and whatnot before Lucas and Aden get home, and I can therefore have better quality time with him when we are able to be together.  I am trying really hard to be grateful that my job allows me to spend three months out of every year at home with him, as I know many people don't get even that.  It just seems like it's not enough.  I want everything for him.

I am also taking steps to try and control my anxiety at this time.  Unfortunately, my ability to nurse Aden is coming to an end due to several factors, and I am trying to make peace with this.  The one thing that is now a possibility, however, because of not nursing anymore, I am able to explore some herbal remedies to help me deal with my anxiety without fear of them affecting my milk.  I have struggled with anxiety and anxiety attacks since I was about 11 years old, and I have found them getting bad again since giving birth.  My hope is that I can react to things that happen in a reasonable way instead of feeling like everything is so out of control all the time.

That is all for now, sorry for the scattered thoughts.  I am going to try and update more often from here on out.  

2 Months & 20 Months

Wow... it has been a while since I've written, the longest I've gone I believe!!  Time has been flying by and I can't believe Aden is 2 months old already.  We had his 2 month check up and he weighed in at 12 lbs 14 oz, was 24.5 inches long, and his head was 16 inches.  Thats 75th percentile for weight, and 97th percentile for length and head.  I have a BIG boy :).  We got some of his shots, though have elected to spread out all of the recommended vaccines so he doesn't get so many at one time.  We will go back in a month for some more.  Aden did ok with his shots... I didn't do as well :/.  I'm sure his doctor thinks I'm insane, but oh well!!  I call the office at least once a week for some reassurance that something or other is normal.  Aden and I have FINALLY gotten the breastfeeding under control as of about 3 weeks ago.  I decided to have a private consult with a lactation consultant and she was WONDERFUL and it has fixed my pain issues!!! I sincerely wish I had done this sooner as I believe I would have enjoyed those first five weeks so much more.  Live and learn, right?  I am struggling somewhat with a supply issue now but am working on fixing it with herbal supplements.  Aden is generally a very happy, smiley baby (when he's not in pain from gas :( ).  He is laughing so much more and loves to play.  He is able to hit his toys when they are above him and has just this week started to try and grasp them.  He also is quite intrigued by my hair and likes to grab it and pull on it.  He has just started to roll over to his side and this is very exciting!!  I can't wait to see him rolling all over the place!!!

I still have a very hard time taking him places as I'm so afraid of him getting sick. I keep telling myself that eventually he will get sick and I will have to deal with it.  I dread that day.  For right now, however, the bulk of my anxiety is coming from heading back to work in less than two weeks.  It is killing me.  I am very lucky in that my mother in law is able to watch Aden, so I know he'll be with someone who loves him, I just wish beyond wish that I could stay home with him.  I know that the first week will be the most difficult... I just hope the rest of the year passes quickly and I can look forward to being home again for summer vacation. 

I have started looking for a new job for next year... hopefully something part time, though part time teaching gigs are few and far between, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!!  I just want to get to enjoy my little guy. 

November 30 also marks 20 months since Owen grew his wings.  It's crazy how sometimes I look at Aden and I can see Owen's face.  It feels... I don't know.. It hurts but it feels good at the same time... to know that somehow I will get to see pieces of Owen as Aden grows up.  I miss him so much, and I often lay in bed after Aden goes to sleep and just cry.  It's not all sad crying... some of it is, of course, and some of it is just tears of thanks that I have this amazing little boy and that he made it here and is at home with me.  I miss Owen SO MUCH that sometimes I have to stop with all of my stress about breastfeeding and working and lack of sleep and just be thankful that I have the opportunity to feel these things... to be stressed about it.  Please don't think I don't complain about not sleeping... I do!!  But every now and again it hits me that I would have given anything to do all of this with Owen too. 
I tell Aden about Owen all the time... and sometimes when Aden looks above my shoulder and coos and giggles, I like to think that Owen is there saying hi to his brother.  This path in life is not something I would have chosen for myself... all of this pain and heartbreak, but this is what it is, and I am trying to make the best of what we have now. 

Well, this has turned in to a bit of a rambling post, so I'm going to go kiss Aden and go to sleep (hopefully for more than an hour).  Hoping you all are having a peaceful night.